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Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Tom, we hardly knew ye

Enough bloggers have mourned your passing, Dearest Hammer, so I will not add my voice to theirs. Instead, I want to tell you a story that might give you hope in this, your darkest hour.

Growing up in Greenville, we kids had a favorite youth pastor, Pastor Rick. He, too, had a boyish face and a winning smile. All he wanted was for us to share his love of Jesus, his fear of God, and his rock hard faith. Sometimes I think he shared too much. He was a very generous man.

Then that slut Jackie Abramoff (not her real name) accused Pastor Rick of getting her pregnant. She dragged his poor name all through the mud. Before all was said and done, Pastor Rick had lost his job, his family, and even his freedom. Yes, the judge (a Democrat-appointed Jew judge) threw the book at Rick. Eighteen months for statutory rape, and he had to pay child support.

But the story has a happy ending. Our Church held bake sales and paper drives, raffles and bingo fundraisers, and we generated enough money to bribe the governor to pardon Pastor Rick. He only spent four months in prison, and he soon learned to answer to Rick again and not Sally. True, he had to wear feminine napkins forever after because of the leaking problem, but I'm sure our congregation's outpouring of love bolstered his courage, allowing him to easily deal with his incontinence and that pesky herpes problem. And the anal ringworm.

Tom, man of God that you are, I'm convinced something similarly miraculous will happen to you. God bless you, Tom.

--Mal!
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Comments on "Tom, we hardly knew ye"

 

Blogger Frederick said ... (Wednesday, April 05, 2006 2:13:00 AM) : 

Oo0oOo0o, that's gotta smart, I feel sorry for Delay's ass!

 

Blogger Reichsminister Karl said ... (Wednesday, April 05, 2006 7:12:00 AM) : 

A miracle like a Fox broadcasting contract. Hannity & DeLay - fair and balanced baby!

 

Blogger Carl said ... (Wednesday, April 05, 2006 9:09:00 AM) : 

Ein Ode To Der Grupenfuher:

Fare dee well, Tom DerLay. Aftar years of diligently and danke-lessly serving his donors, hist lobbyists, and histself, der former Houze mayority leadair ist leafing der United Shtates Reichst--errrr...Congress. He hasht endured one of der cruelest shmear campaigns in recent poleetical memory, ein bitte und protracted effort to paint him as a criminal simply because he broke der law!

Und who in his position could haff done uttervise? Even a heart as Arya--pure as Tom DerLay's vuz bound to be seduzed by der corruption of Vashington, ein magical land where der shtreets are paved mit kickbacks, corruption flows like sweet vine, und lobbyists condenze on der morning grass mit der newfallen dew. Indeed, vun can hardly ride der metro dese days mitout picking up feefty tousand marks--dollars en illegal campaign contributions und defrauding an Indian casino. But dat ist not how ve should remember dis wrongfully-maligned warrior of der Party.

Ve should remember Tom DerLay as he vuz in der end: a stalwart idealist, courageously und steadfastly fighting for der one t'ing dat mattered to heem more dan anyt'ing. Vill America effer see his like again?

 

Blogger Betty Jo Goering said ... (Wednesday, April 05, 2006 2:56:00 PM) : 

Awwwww, Carl!! You done made me cry, thet was such beautiful sentiments their. I am so sad about Tommie's demise I went out and kilt me a nice fat squirrel so's I can drown my sorrows in some stew and Southern Comfert tonight. Damn them libruls suck. I knows they all behind this. Maybe I'll go down to the Traders Joe, and kick some mofo librul ass, so's I can feel better.

 

Blogger Carl said ... (Thursday, April 06, 2006 12:26:00 PM) : 

Betty Cho,

Do you shtill liff by der bypass off Route 10? Mein vill be over for left-ofer deener, und some shex...und mein dink mein left mein vatch dere last veekend.

 

Blogger Betty Jo Goering said ... (Friday, April 07, 2006 12:39:00 PM) : 

Um... I dint find no watch Carl. You must be mistaken. But yawl know where I lives. Don't be postin it up here else everbody will be stoppin by for stew and one little squirrel ain't make all thet much!

 

Blogger Carl said ... (Friday, April 07, 2006 8:09:00 PM) : 

Ah, Betty Cho,

Our Lord, Yeesus, fed der masses mit ein fishen and ein loafen der bread...Mein is shure you could service der crowds mit your beaver shtew....

 

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