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Monday, July 31, 2006

Israel - 519 Terrorists - 51

Well folks, it's been an exciting game so far here at Israeli-Lebanese Border Ball Park with this latest entry in the long-running rivalry between the Championship Israeli Defense Forces and their bitter rivals, The Terrorists. We are between innings, so have time for a recap. I'm Al Johson and I'm here with Bud Jefferson.

So, the recap: The Terrorists struck an early blow early in the inning with their raid on a military outpost near the Ballpark, killing 10 and capturing 2, then getting clean away. As usual, they claimed the action was in retaliation for something the IDF had done sometime before... Bud, what was the exact action that was in response to?... Bud?... Well, no matter. Israel responded in their next move by shelling the hell out of Lebanon - including Beirut. They took a new approach to the shelling. Do you want to talk about that, Bud?

Thanks, Al! Well, as you may know, The Terrorists are mainly popular with the poor people of Lebanon. The richer people don't even follow ball - most of them are international soccer fans. (as if soccer has the excitement and nuance of this game!) Anyway, the IDF always knew that, so they tended to focus on the slums of Lebanese cities which needed to be cleared for urban renewal, anyway -- well, slums and refugee camps -- but in this inning, the IDF focused on richer neighborhoods in Beirut, hoping, I guess, to score more points. And score them they have! Right now, IDF is far ahead in points, with at least 519 confirmed kills...

But it looked like the IDF was in trouble after they bombed a couple of houses in Quana and killed what appeared to be dozens of children. It looked like The Terrorists might have scored a public relations upset with that one, but the IDF explained it all away by saying The Terrorists had been in those houses earlier that day! And besides, we know even the women and children over there are Terrorists. Right Al? Al? ...Wait, what's happening now, Al? I thought we were on a 48 hour break!?

You're right, Bud, we thought we had a couple of days to sum up the game so far, but the IDF has just fooled everybody with two new air strikes. How smart! Promise a cease-fire and then launch a surprise attack! In all my years of commentating, I've never seen anything like it! Isn't it exciting, Bud?

Right you are, Al! It reminds me of that old schoolyard chant, 'Fooled Ya! Fooled Ya! Your Momma Shoulda Schooled Ya'!! And their mothers should have schooled them! How stupid are those Lebanese and Terrorists and people who thought they had a break for 'negotiations'? That'll teach 'em!

Now, Bud, we aren't supposed to root for any one team, even though on one side we have long-oppressed people who can do no wrong and on the other side we have outright savages!

You're right, Al, I apologize to all our listeners out there who may have taken offense to my comments. And now, this just in: Israel's score is now 523, with The Terrorists still only having 51 confirmed kills...
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Comments on "Israel - 519 Terrorists - 51"

 

Blogger Carl said ... (Monday, July 31, 2006 9:23:00 AM) : 

Mein had 12-1 odds! Hurry up Israel!

 

Blogger Reichsminister Karl said ... (Monday, July 31, 2006 9:35:00 AM) : 

Women and children? An hour in the penalty box.

 

Blogger Rhesus Pieces said ... (Monday, July 31, 2006 2:32:00 PM) : 

One hour equals 30 seconds in IDF time.

 

Blogger mr. X said ... (Monday, July 31, 2006 9:41:00 PM) : 

Well I dont like the look of that scoreboard. do you think you guys could do an interview with Ehud Goebbels?
thanks,
you guys r0ck

 

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